


i can never be enough

by DaQuirklessBeauty



Series: Hinata Shouyou-centric stories because i love him [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged up Natsu, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bad Parenting, Child Neglect, Doubt, Gen, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, Hinata Shouyou-centric, How Do I Tag, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Kozume Kenma is a Good Friend, Overworking, Protective Karasuno Volleyball Club, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Shouyou just wants love, Team as Family, Verbal Abuse, but it's relatable ig :(, the angst isn't overwhelming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:14:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25725703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaQuirklessBeauty/pseuds/DaQuirklessBeauty
Summary: “Confidence.Confidence doesn’t sit well with Hinata Shouyou.Not when his twin sister is better at him in everything, not when his parents don’t even acknowledge his existence sometimes.He doesn’t even know how confidence feels like.How could he know what confidence is when he doesn’t even get to hear a measly “good job” from anything he does?How could he know it when he gets shut down and compared at every second in his life.How could he possibly know when the only things he knows are doubts and insecurities of himself?”A self-indulgent fic of Shouyou constantly trying his best to get his parent’s attention and affection.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Hinata Shouyou's Family, Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou & Karasuno Volleyball Club
Series: Hinata Shouyou-centric stories because i love him [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1859665
Comments: 32
Kudos: 292





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically an "insecure Hinata au" I guess??? 
> 
> I had always hated being compared to my siblings, though I rarely get that treatment from my parents. I know for a fact that my Best friend gets compared a lot by her parents, so this is sort of based of that I guess. I hope I captured the feeling right, cus I know how terrible it feels :(((((
> 
> I hope you guys like the story <3

Confidence.

Confidence doesn’t sit well with Shouyou.

Not when his parents refuse to give him attention, refuse to even share a glance at him.

Confidence is a foreign concept for him. He of course knew what it meant, but he never felt it.

Not when his twin sister is the top student in their prestigious school, not when his sister wins multiple competitions in just her second year of elementary, not when his parents give the praises and happiness only to Natsu.

Don’t get it wrong, He loves his twin sister Natsu. They’re inseparable and they have a great relationship with each other. He loves her, but he can’t help but envy her deeply.

What is confidence really?

How would Shouyou know when the only thing he knows is being let down?

He knew he wasn’t as smart and talented as Natsu, but his teachers always dubbed him a bright and smart child as well. So why didn’t he get the same treatment as Natsu just because he doesn’t have as many trophies as her?

When he gets a score he’s proud of and shows it to his parents. They’ll always and always reply with some sort of “Look at what Natsu did! You should be ashamed of yourself getting so happy from that measly grade”. He’d only stare at his test paper sadly and goes to cry in his room afterward.

But when he does surpass Natsu at a test or something, they’ll say it was just dumb luck and a coincidence when in reality he worked his ass off studying on that test for weeks. Why can’t they just be proud of him? Is it that hard to say a good job to him?? Is it? Does he not deserve it?

And at one point, he stopped trying altogether and ends up failing more than half the subjects in school. Resulting him being expelled from the “prestigious” elementary school, and oh boy did he get the lecture of the lifetime for the longest of times from his parents.

They never cared when he gets good grades, why did they care when he was failing? Why don’t they pretend he doesn’t exist like usual?

He still deeply wanted to get validation from the two of them don’t get him wrong. But he just gave up, it was just… impossible. He just wasn’t as smart as his sister, not as talented academically.

**_He_** wasn’t his sister, why couldn’t they see that?

_How_ could he know what **confidence** is when he doesn’t even get to hear a measly “good job” from anything he does. When he gets shut down and compared at every second in his life.

_How could he possibly know when the only thing he knows are doubts and insecurities of himself?_

\-------

Ever since he got expelled from his elementary in 4th grade and went into a normal public school, he felt happier.

The school wasn’t as strict and competitive as his previous school, he felt free from the invisible shackles that he didn’t know was making him feel trapped.

The people in his school isn’t as grade-obsessed like his previous classmates, everyone accepted and greeted him cheerfully when he introduced himself to the others at recess.

People kept being nice to him, they invited him to play at the playground together. They didn’t care he was being shy (socially awkward to be exact), he played tags with the others and happily chat with his ~~classmate~~ friends.

That was the very first time in his life he felt carefree and happy again, the most fun he had ever had in a long time.

And thus, the extrovert and “everyone’s friend” Shouyou was born.

\--------

He knew had always had a slight talent for athletic stuff, he had always been much swifter and overall, more athletic than other students.

He didn’t really care about it really, but when his teacher explains how he was a natural in sports to his parents. He could see the joy and impressed expression of his parents that they only gave to Natsu.

They answered how wonderful it was that their son was _at least_ good at something, making his homeroom teacher involuntarily winced.

But Shouyou didn’t acknowledge it since he was way used to it, but what he noticed was how his parent's looks were mirroring the exact same face they display when praising Natsu. Shouyou’s eyes sparkle as he thought to himself.

‘I still have a... chance…?’

He smiles as he glances at the sports clubs’ applications that he still saved from when the new school year started.

‘I still have a chance!!!’

\--------------

Nothing has particularly changed ever since he pursued on Volleyball, but he knew his eyes weren’t deceiving him when he saw the impressed faces of his parents that day. This was the last chance for him to gain his parent’s attention and possibly affection, he wasn’t going to screw it up.

He was practicing on being a libero since his coach said it was the best choice, and he didn’t really care about what position he has. He just wanted to be good at it as soon as possible to get affirmation from his parents.

Volleyball wasn’t really his first choice, but the soccer and basketball club were full because he registered late in the school year. So, he ended up doing Volleyball.

But when he saw the Little Giant when he was passing the streets with his friends on the Tv. He couldn’t help but feel slightly amazed by the sheer jump power he had done to over tower the approximately 190-ish cm opponents block, Shouyou’s eyes sparkle in delight.

‘Spiking looks so cool!’

Maybe doing something cool and unexpected like this could gain more attention from his parents! What if they get amazed! and maybe oh just maybe they’re going to be p… proud of him!

He gleamed excitedly at the screen.

The next day the coach was quite shocked to hear the statement but laughed it off when he saw the pure determination in those golden eyes. He ruffles his hair and began to explain how to spike and the basics of blocking, which he excitedly followed tentatively.

\------

Middle school wasn’t a great start for Shouyou.

His parent got angrier at him for the ‘outrageous’ grades he had gotten and once again brings up how dumb he is to even fail at that baby level questions.

That is how he is now stuck with extra tutoring after school when he heard how that will clash with his volleyball club. He begged to his parents that he’d keep up his grade so they don’t have to give him tutoring.

“That’s what you get for being such a Dumbass you stupid child, be more like your sister for once and start focusing on your studies other than hanging out with your dumb friends” His mother spitted out harshly, making his anxiety boil in his veins.

“Look, Natsu is currently doing a math competition in the US. Now, look at you… aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Failing a simple math test?? What did we do to deserve a child like you” He sighs deeply, Shouyou felt like running away. He hated it when his parents bring these things up.

He knows exactly how a disgrace he is, but to be outwardly bashed like that… hurts.

Studying just feels _worthless_ for him, he knew that he wouldn’t fail if he just _tries_ to actually study. But there’s this nauseous feeling every time he studies and the “Natsu could do better” conversation waiting for him makes him feel all itchy and hopeless.

He doesn’t see the difference between studying and not studying, when they both result in the same conversation of “aren’t you ashamed of yourself” and “are you that dumb to get mistake at this simple question?”.

He gave up on studying, it makes him sick. He’d rather not play volleyball than study seriously. It scares him, the thought of **failure** scares him. The thought of being let down again whether he succeeds or not **terrifies** him…

So, Shouyou ended up not playing volleyball for his 1st and 2nd years of middle school.

Though one day, His parents needed more money to send Natsu off to Australia for an International Mathematics competition, and so they stopped the tutoring at his 3rd year.

Shouyou happily applied to the Volleyball club when he stopped tutoring. The club who had a bare minimum of players with no coach whatsoever happily accepted him.

Even though it was Shouyou’s first time joining a club after two years, it doesn’t mean he wasn’t practicing. He sneakily went out at night to practice at the local gym who held classes, He had all the basic all slightly balanced out.

What he never had was an actual team to practice with, so he was genuinely excited to play a match with a volleyball team.

He joined a little late in the year, but he still could participate in a tournament. He hopes his parents will come and watch or somewhat, and maybe… compliment him. He smiles happily at the thought of a ‘good job’ rolling out of his parent’s tongue and actually directing him instead of his sister.

\------

It wasn’t a big surprise when his parents said they don’t want to come to his first ever volleyball match, they said they were going shopping for Natsu’s pageant gown for next Saturday.

He clenches his fist tightly as he exhales loudly, Shouyou takes a deep breath and tries to sort of his thoughts. He knew this pageant was important for Natsu (like all the previous 67 competitions she did), He was proud of his sister for being so talented and smart.

She’s rarely at home, so they never really gotten close as a twin (or even as friends). Natsu would be practicing her ass off on her pageant or math competition somewhere on earth, while Shouyou stayed at home like usual. He never even got out of Miyagi before, while his sister had traveled to Europe and America for all he knew.

“Hinata-senpai...? we should get going now...”

He sighs in a deep breath as he glances away from the bleachers he had ‘reserved’ for his family.

He puts on his usual bright smile and nods, “yeah sure!”

He just needed to keep smiling and lift his head up, even when tears were threatening to spill off his eyes.

He’ll just keep trying and trying…


	2. lost hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I have been busy with other stories and school so I haven't had time to update this story! So have a short chapter, the next chapter will sort of be a long time skip into the middle of Hinata's first year! This chapter is just a filler, but hope you'll enjoy it!

“E-eh?!? We’re f-facing Kitagawa Daiichi in the first round?!” One of Hinata’s underclassmen cried out.

“HAH?! They’re literally National candidates, oh my god we’re so dead!” Another one wailed in despair.

The team got into a gloomy atmosphere, Hinata being the only third year in the club steps up.

“Hey hey now! I know you guys can do this! You guys have worked your hardest you know, that hard work won’t just suddenly fly out the window! I know that you guys are strong as well, so you guys are going to rock this competition!” He smiles his signature toothy grin to them; some covered their eyes from the genuine and intensity of their upperclassman smile.

“Okay then let’s get going no—” Before he could finish the sentence, a group of tall and giant boys walks past them. Some of the underclassmen shrieked and hid behind Hinata.

He raises his hands to protect the others in a defensive way, He felt his breath get caught on his throat when he saw the supposedly giants’ jerseys.

At the back, it read,

‘Kitagawa Daiichi’

“fuck” he muttered lowly and hissed, He was already shorter than most of his teammates by two to six centimeters and they were younger than him! This was just getting unfair; how can middle schoolers be _that_ tall?! He thought in annoyance as he glances at the rival team.

He was just about to excuse himself to the restroom as his anxiety took a hold of him, but then a black-haired boy walked past him. He had a distinctive aura in him that stood up for him, he felt his breath stopped at that moment as he watches the boy trail behind his teammates.

Hinata snaps out from his daze and quickly excuses himself to the bathroom.

He proceeded to puke out the remaining food in his stomach, he felt horrible and overall weak. The anxiety of facing a strong opponent and the disappointment on how his parents didn’t come to watch just makes him so sick to the bone.

He washes his face and ruffles his hair in stress, he stares at his reflection, feeling so vulnerable.

He looks down on the sink and closes his eyes to calm himself, he stayed like that for approximately one or two minutes before washing his face.

Hinata kneads his cheeks and forces out a convincing smile, he’s the captain, he can’t let the team see how terrible their leader is.

He walks out of the bathroom with his usual cheery tone, when he was exiting, he heard some of the Kitagawa Daiichi members laughing and discussing how easy it is to win the round. Mocking the members of _Hinata_ ’s team.

Hinata can accept taunts and bully towards him, but _not his team and underclassmen **N-O-P-E.**_

****

The members who were laughing at his team suddenly stopped when Hinata approaches them with an absolutely terrifying scary smile they have ever seen. They shuddered and backed off a little in fear.

“hm? What was that you were saying about _my_ team~?” He intensifies his smile he was about to speak again before they suddenly shrieked in fear and ran while chanting apologies.

He claps in accomplishment and was about to go back to his team when he suddenly saw the black-haired teen again. His eyes went wide and he tilts his head in confusion when the other only dumbfoundedly stare at him.

“I did expect a shrimp like you to be so bold”

Hinata merely grinned at the teen, not even offended by what he just called him.

“well, they were mocking my team. They’ve worked hard to finally get here; I don’t want some _benchwarmers_ to diss my _regular_ underclassmen, would I?”

The orange head was slightly surprised when the latter nodded in agreement.

The black-haired teen was about to speak up once more but Hinata quickly excused himself.

“I have to go now” He bows a little to the taller teen and proceeds to run back to his team.

“Just so you know, I’m going to win” Hinata stops in his track and blinks, he turns back to the boy.

“No match is a guaranteed win, as long as we don’t give up” He snaps back.

“Not giving up isn’t as easy as it sounds”

He stared at the blue-eyed teen, thinking about why he is suddenly acting like a jerk all of a sudden.

“My team had been practicing their butt off for this competition, don’t look down on us just because we’re a no-name school here. I don’t care how many rounds we have to go through; we’ll win against you; we’re going to give you our all” The orange head declares.

“The first round, the second round. I’ll be the one still standing in the court”

Their eyes met as they acknowledged the declaration and went their different ways.

\------

“What have you been doing for the last three years?!??”

Hinata didn’t even flinch when the latter teen shouted that from across the net.

The match was over.

They lost, to nobody’s surprise.

It was a really quick match. Only took 31 minutes for Kitagawa to absolutely destroy Yukigaoka.

“Hinata-senpai… Sora’s mom will be picking us up in a few minutes.. We better pack up and stuff senpai” One of his juniors informs him, the orange head forced a smile and nodded.

“Yeah.. I’ll be right there”

He stares at the court he had just been playing on, his mind wandered on its own. Shouyou bit his bottom lip, trying hard to not breakdown right at that moment.

‘ _It’s just a volleyball match’_ He tries convincing himself.

His previous hope had flown out of the window, his parent's voice rings in his head.

**_~~“You’re pathetic Shouyou”~~ _ **

He chuckles wetly as he rubs his glassy eyes.

“Just a pathetic play from a pathetic person…” 

He plastered his usual fake yet convincing smile and went to greet his team.

Unknowingly, a certain black-haired setter observed him from across the court. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just a filler chapter!! The next chapter will be more on the plot <3

**Author's Note:**

> This will probably be a 3 or 4 chapter story?? 
> 
> well, anyways hope you enjoy it!!!


End file.
